A Fangirl Without a Fandom

Ask me what my preferred fandom is and I wouldn’t have an answer.

Before I get into this, for those of you who don’t know or aren’t entirely sure, a “fandom” is basically the “kingdom” created by people who like a certain pop culture entity—think Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, and all superhero stuff. Anyone who really likes those things and has extensive knowledge of or merchandise from those intellectual properties might consider themselves part of that fandom.

This is where I come in. Or rather, don’t.

If you were to look at my room—aside from the several bookshelves—you wouldn’t necessarily pick up on my love for fictional things. I only have four fandom items: a collage painting my sister made of (mostly) fictional things, a map of Garth Nix’s The Old Kingdom, a replica of the Witch King’s sword from The Lord of the Rings, and a 34x22 poster of Winnie-the-Pooh and Co. which I will never let go. It’s a tame collection and not likely to expand much, I say, as I buy more books. (But hey, I gotta live up to my online persona.)

A small sample of some stuff I love. Three computer games, five tv shows, two movies, three books, two historical things, a DnD group, and a sneaky bonus one.

To illustrate my love for a story in as dramatic a way as possible: it’s like while immersed in the story, I have a giant bleeding wound. But once the story is finished, the wound is cauterized. Yes, it’ll “hurt” for a bit, then it scabs over, flakes away, and I’m left with a painless “scar.” I can recall the memories and know that I had a gaping wound, but because it no longer pains me, it’s impossible to fully appreciate what those exact feelings were. I’ve unhooked myself from that wagon and roved off somewhere else.

I really do like a lot of these fictional worlds/stories/characters though, just not so deeply and zealously as to mark myself with anything associated with them. I’m not part of any online groups, I don’t go to conventions or theme parks, I’ve never played D&D, staunchly debated Edward vs. Jacob (the correct answer is Hugh Jackman’s Van Helsing), won a game of Trivial Pursuit, learned Elvish or Klingon, considered moving to the Fire Swamp, drunk blue milk, gotten a tattoo, owned an action figure, wished for a letter from Hogwarts, or read a comic book (manga doesn’t count). I no longer own fandomized clothes, and the only times I’ve cosplayed were as a character from Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, and Disney’s Pocahontas, so not the most well-known picks.

But being of this time, I have come in close contact with some big ol’ chunky fandoms, so let me recap how I was affected.

Probably the first one was The Lord of the Rings movies. I was just old enough to see The Return of the King in the theater—and by just, I mean I was very much under thirteen and my brother had to come along and tell me when to close my eyes for the Sméagol transformation and such. I love those movies and I will always love those movies. Aragorn was my first fandom crush and I still love Aragorn. As a kid I listened to The Hobbit audiobook multiple times and I quote it even today. We’ve done themed meals and annual viewings of the extended editions, I’ve watched the behind-the-scenes stuff and I listen to the music regularly. It is a proper staple in my fictional wheelhouse. And yet I’ve only been through the book trilogy once, I’ve never read any of Tolkien’s other work, I do not have an above average knowledge of any of the lore, I’m glad they left The Scouring of the Shire out of the movies and you know what? I don’t hate The Hobbit movies. I will, however, never watch The Rings of Power. Personal anecdote: someone recently asked me if I’d seen the LOTR movies and I was so shocked and offended at the thought of not having seen them, I couldn’t even give a witty answer; I just nodded and said “Yeah.”

Harry Potter. Now there’s a fandom I was…at least the right age for. My sister and I started listening to the audiobooks around the time the third one was released. We stayed up way too late a few times; Jim Dale’s voice is a strange form of PTSD for me. I vividly remember going to the library to pick up the seventh one and being so excited; it was probably the most electrifying library trip up to that point. I had the expected reaction to the movies: everything after Azkaban sucks. Then I steadily forgot about the books, the movies became okay, and when I did re-read the series for the first time (review HERE), it was a better experience than I expected. And I was reminded why most of the movies suck.

I don’t really understand how or why some people molded themselves around the Wizarding World. Even my most beloved fictional story does not have a fraction of a pinky toe hold over me like Hogwarts has over the Potterheads. When I re-read the series I puttered around the Wiki pages and my goodness, I did not realize the depths to which that world and those people have been plumbed. It’s impressive. And disconcerting. I mean, why is there information on what Victor Krum did after The Goblet of Fire? Who spent time on that?! And why? There’s such a thing as keeping the mystery alive and I would much rather never know what happened to fictional characters than to have a complete timeline of their lives. I’m a firm supporter of “And they lived happily ever after and you will never see them again. The exit is over there. Goodbye.” Just leave it be. But of course it’s being adapted again and I…just kill me now. So yeah. I have received enjoyment from that world, but good golly people, it’s not that great.

Twilight and The Hunger Games. Never read the books of either. I saw the first Twilight movie and none of the others; some of the reviews I’ve seen are absolute gold though. The Hunger Games movies are…eh. I’ve never been a fan of the dystopian genre and the only character in that one that I remember kinda liking ended up dying. Typical. But the fanaticism around both of those franchises, especially Twilight…I definitely I don’t want to attempt to understand how someone can become utterly and everlastingly consumed by a few books of dubious quality. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a psy-op or something, ‘cause it’s a special kind of mania that those fangirls have.

Star Wars. This might ruffle some feathers, but it’s okay. And by “it’s” I mean the original trilogy. All the new stuff is more or less rubbish. I’ve always been more of a Middle-earth girl, so hearing how a galaxy far, far away (in California) has steadily and systematically been destroyed doesn’t carry a personal heartache. I’m glad of that because if I did care, I’d be sad over what they’ve done to it.

I would also be sad about Marvel, if I gave a toss anymore. Endgame was the literal end for me and it was fun to see the saga unfold to that point. But then it collapsed and it’s been a twitching corpse ever since. The reviews for the new stuff are enjoyable though; one six-hour video dismantling the second Doctor Strange was a particular highlight for me. I am 100% okay with leaving that universe behind and re-watching some of the older movies like Winter Soldier.

I’ve never given a rat’s butt about DC movies. However, I did see a few seasons of Arrow and The Flash, but I did not stick around and oh boy, am I glad about that.

One tv show I could probably describe myself as being temporarily obsessed with was Doctor Who. Back when I first watched it—we’re talking over ten years ago—I LOVED David Tennant and gobbled up the show as fast as I could. The excitement dimmed while I waited for Matt Smith’s final season and the 50^th special, and when I watched Capaldi’s first and second seasons, they really put the brakes on my enjoyment. I watched one or two episodes of his third season and never returned after that. I’ve seen some reviews for the newest episodes and wow. They really did a number on it. But the thought of rewatching that show, particularly the Tennant era…I don’t want to. There’s no way I could feel the same way about it now and the thrill of seeing those finales for the first time is better left undisturbed. I have watched some old Who, and Pertwee is a fun Doctor, but all in all, it had its time and now it’s in my rearview.

Even the things I’ve found recently, like Studio Ghibli and K-dramas, don’t have a keen hold on me. Yeah, I really like them, I’ll recommend some, and in the moment I might be “obsessed,” but soon they’ll be behind me too.

Oh wait. Two more fandoms. Star Trek is something I’ve never really cared about. I saw the whale movie, the new Trek movies and a few of the original tv episodes but again, fantasy is more my speed than sci-fi. And I haven’t read the books nor seen the Game of Thrones show, but I have heard the broad strokes of the story and the disaster of season eight. I might get around to the books at some point, but both George and I are in no rush.

I do like to keep tabs on what’s going on by watching YouTubers like The Critical Drinker, Nerdrotic and the like. All the roastings and reviews for the quintessential pop culture bombs of The Rings of Power, Marvel, Star Wars, Doctor Who, Witcher, Disney, etc. have given me more joy than actually watching those things. (“Hate watching” is not in my zone of interest.) I do find it interesting to see how all these big corporations and IPs are crumbling, even as I’m also sad that it’ll be years, perhaps decades before anyone can try again. Those YouTubers have saved me from so much bad tv and done it in a fun way. I appreciate reviews that can definitively turn me towards or from something. For example, I never would’ve found RRR without their recommendation and I freakin’ love that movie (go watch it if you haven’t). And I very much support Henry Cavill’s Warhammer show because that guy needs a win, but I don’t know about that world.

I guess I find my lack of deep connection a bit strange because I think about fiction all the time and I’m writing my own stories. But in the course of writing this piece, I’ve at last unpacked the truth that my non-consuming love for something does not make me less of a fan. I don’t need an encyclopedic knowledge to be a certified, organic, not-NPC enjoyer of entertainment. I can like my stuff in peace, talk about why I’m a fan (hello, Substack), and blend back into my surroundings, all while getting exactly what I want from these worlds: a good time.

Just to be clear, I’m not saying that there’s something wrong with the people who are bold in their declaration of affiliation. Some of them might go a touch overboard, yes, but everyone expresses their love for fictional stuff in a different way; I think it’s perhaps a common misconception that only those who are obviously a nerd are the only ones who like nerdy things.

While I’m talking about fandoms, I suppose I should touch on the…habit, shall we say, to label certain fandoms as “toxic.” I believe Henry Cavill said something like “they’re not toxic, they’re passionate.” I think that’s very true and can be further illustrated like this:

You’re watching a chef prepare an elaborate meal: he’s marinating, dicing, drizzling that oil and mincing the garlic, carefully picking the perfect tomato and searing the meat in his favorite pan. Then you oh-so helpfully ask if he wants some instant mashed potatoes with the meal. The chef looks at you, expressionless, then not-so-kindly asks you to vacate the kitchen. Would you call him toxic for not wanting your pathetic attempt at food? Or would you realize that he’s very passionate about his feast and he doesn’t want it cheapened by pseudo taste, and therefore you should leave him to do what he’s obviously seasoned at doing?

That’s what’s happening in these “toxic” fandoms: outsiders who don’t know thing one about the fandom are bringing in their two-bit, half-baked box mixes and expecting them to fit right in with a distinct Michelin franchise. The waiters give them a seat because that’s their job, but soon the top chefs get mad because they’re being asked to support the inclusion of kindergarten slop. Then the staff get annoyed at the mess left by the new customers who smuggled in Cool Whip and Cheese Whiz instead of eating what’s offered on the gourmet menu. Pretty soon the loyal customers who liked what was on the menu are driven away by the artless thugs, and the reservations plummet while the rest of the so-called customers try to have bigger and flashier sales on stale bread and moldy cheese in hopes of reviving the once carefully crafted, award-winning flavors. When the last light bulb breaks and the rats move in to nest in the ragged monogrammed napkins, the new owners catch a whiff of originality emanating from a different direction and they wander off in search of other top chefs. And thus, the restaurant that used to have great food and the coolest atmosphere isn’t worth the ground it stands upon.

So there you have it. I love fictional stories, just in a tame, uncluttered way.

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What about you? Do you have your fingers in all the fan pies? Are you a bystander, a serial dabbler, content to watch things pass you by? Or what are your general thoughts on fandoms and fans?

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